Hello..sit down...have some coffee....

Yeah......I'm brutal.......

2005-07-25T03:07:00.000+08:00

Spiteful LonerYou are 71% Rational, 42% Extroverted, 71% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.
You are the Spiteful Loner, the personality type that is most likely to go on a shooting rampage. You are a rational person and tend to hold emotions in very low-esteem; not only that, but you are also rather introverted, meaning you probably bury any emotions you feel deep inside yourself. Combine these traits with your hatred of others and your brutality, and it seems that you would be quite likely to shoot innocent people in a rampage. Not only that, but you are also a very humble person--not a braggart at all--meaning you could possibly have low-self esteem. This is only yet one more incentive to go on a shooting rampage, because you wouldn't care if you died as a result. Granted, you probably haven't gone on a shooting rampage and probably never will, but all the motivations are there. In conclusion, your personality is defective because you are too introverted, brutal, insecure, and rather unemotional. No wonder no one hangs around you, you morbid, cold-hearted freak!
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more RATIONAL than intuitive.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.
Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Televangelist.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Capitalist Pig, the Smartass, and the Sociopath.
*
*
If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.
The other personality types:
The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.
The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.
The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.
The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.
The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Seems to be true.....

2005-07-10T00:48:00.000+08:00

You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Time.

2005-06-02T00:13:00.000+08:00

I wish.......for once......to re-visit the places at the time I remember them.

My house.....my cactus.....
My schools......my playgrounds........

My life......

sigh.......

Why am I here?

Annual life report

2005-03-17T23:11:00.000+08:00

Time of the year....the same period of March.

I need to gather my life report.

To whom?

Figure it out.
Will report when I have given it out first.
This year falls on a Monday. So bring forward to Sunday or Saturday. Hope I can find her.

Heartache

2005-03-06T10:16:00.000+08:00

Should be....months from the last time I've updated.

Had a girlfriend.....broke up....should I be sad?

I should....shouldn't I?
Wanted to cry and yet nothing.
Wanted to shout but to whom?
Wanted to do.....something.....and yet know of none.

So as the story ends, we looked at each other. The heartache I felt was the pain in yours too.

Coughed.....blood.......

2005-01-30T01:26:00.000+08:00

Blood.
Dried.

Anyway....got my pay.....900 plus.....it's fine....at least I've got income.

Gonna make it into my million.

Shopping....

2005-01-16T21:34:00.000+08:00

Got a new pair of jeans today....30 bucks....cheap...

Don't usually go for brands when it comes to clothes.....it's the design now. It used to be brands for the guys and design for the ladies.

Now it's design for the guys and brand and design for the ladies.

Ha~

wanted to call a few guys out to go shopping but.....decided not to..

guess what.......saw Aron there.....and the storeman in my ex unit......well.......it's really a fruitful day.....cause I don't actually meet anyone I know when I go out.

well, working tomorrow....so see ya all~

Cute...

2005-01-13T20:24:00.000+08:00

Your element is Air: Carefree, lovable, fun and
childish. Arent you cute! Your just full of
childhood spunk and happiness! Hey who said
being young was a bad thing? You have a keen
understanding of whats good in life and choose
to remain happy rather than get too upset over
things. Life is fun, who wants to be troubled
by grown-up problems? Being as capable of love
as you are you will make a wonderful parent if
and when you choose to grow up. Love is a
mystery because you only want friends not love
interests, games are better than relationships
with the opposite sex. You have what everyone
is searching for, that so called 'fountain of
youth' deep inside. You can come across as
naive and childish at times. But who cares what
they think, lets go play tag!

.:-What is your true element?-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

Something.

2005-01-03T06:48:00.000+08:00

Woke up. Could not bring myself down to sleep again. It's been a really bad habit I have.

And so on a Monday morning....drizzling outside....a new day to start for me.

I....thought about....it....
made me realise.....how small my social circle is.

Of those I call friends....there are some elites....ready to be in action the moment a call is made. Some are just there....for something....not sure...some...don't even bothered.

I don't call people friends easily...it's more like "people whose names I can recall"

Funny how a morning like this can be sad.....I like the rain.....but not the cold it brings along.

Last night.
Had a good talk to my sis...young kid....16 maybe....not sure..forgot.

She became a lover with another guy I knew....last year...well, I wasn't informed and such....'cause I didn't go into IRC so often now.

Her attitude is almost the same as mine...that's why she felt I was like a brother to her. I guess it's the attitude that killed us both.

She still couldn't control it. I have some control on my temper.

Thus, the reason for their break up....and in her bid to get back at the guy.....I guess she got another boyfriend...

Now both of them are not talking.

It's really sad.....when the best of friends can turn to enemies in an instance...

Guess the counsellor's got some work to do now.

Need to meet them in person for better results.....but hey~ IRC's good too.

What should I tell them about? I really feel like an old man.....trying to help people and yet when people tries to help me. I reject them.

Really disturbing....and I'm afraid to let my feelings go. I have no idea what I would do.

Guess the counsellor need help sometimes.

I really need to work on sorting out my problems. I tend to ignore them.

Time to pick up the pieces...
And yes....it is cold.

Moth.

2005-01-02T01:02:00.000+08:00

When a moth comes visiting. I always get confused by it. It seems to be oblivious to the dangers around it. Be it the fan blade that is luring it, the hot bulb that seems to attract the moth's attention.

It just flys around aimlessly....searching.....for something.

What is it looking for?

My mother told me the moth is my grandfather's sprit that's visiting us. I believe so. I've never seen my grandfather before. Father's side....not mother's. Grandpa died in 1981.....I was born in 1982.

Yet....it's comforting.....that my grandfather comes to visit...as a moth...but it's comforting anyway....at least there's someone looking out for me.

I remember once...a moth got sucked into the fan...and it survived...I picked it up....and lay it out on the window sill....and it flew back into the house.....I swtiched off the lights....and it still flew back in.

Why does it want to come back?
Does it have something to say?

I'll never know.

Anyway.....I had an interview for a job as an assitant engineer in Quality control of machines and parts...
Went for it....just have to wait.

Hope I'll get more interview or a job soon.

Happy new year~ I know I'm late.....but hey~ it's still new year~

Remember.

2004-12-26T15:37:00.000+08:00

Watched kung fu hustle....

I never really known how much people cared for me...and I still kicked them away.
but they're still there for me.
Where do you find this kind of friends?
I have no 'face' to return to them. I really regret this. Although we still meet up sometimes....it's never the same.
then the girl.....she made me remember how much someone special actually used her life to teach and guide me.
maybe jes is correct.....and I know....when I'm moody....I influence people around me.

I'll be alright after a few days.....

Choice.

2004-12-16T01:21:00.000+08:00

A short one. But very profound. This can take a life time to discuss...and achieve.

If, for that one moment. That one place. That one time space.

You are allowed a choice.

You can either change the world.
Or you can choose to change the world within you.

What will you do?

I saw U2's making of their new album and Bono said this....I find it interesting.

Have a good night thinking.

Photos.

2004-12-15T21:40:00.000+08:00

Photos, the mere thought of it makes me tired.

I do not like to take photos..used to.....there's not much I want to show...

But...now...photos remind me of the things I was doing at that time....that place....that time frame....

I found my secondary class photo last night...and found my platoon photo too...old and new platoon...

I never realised...how much I had change..

My face used to be so round..haha.....now I have cheek bones showing...

I guess time really changes people.....emotionally and physically.

I wished I had taken more photos back then...so that I can relive the memory....the sensation....and feel the feelings I once had.

I guess I can always start now..and take as much photos as I can.

Pain.

2004-12-15T01:11:00.000+08:00

You connect with pain spiritually, your soul
carries a lot of pain, but you don't admit that
in public, you keep it supressed inside you,
and you show it only to yourself at night, you
feel better when you cry, you like to be alone,
you feel safe this way, you don't think there
is someone understands you, but there are, you
just didn't give the chance for any one to do
so, try to express your feelings infront of
everybody, and by feelings i mean the true ones
not the ones you used to show them to
everybody, also you have to know that cutting
and suicide don't solve any problem, actually
it make it worst, you have to know that we
weren't born to kill ourselves, if you want to
talk to someone, i'm all ears.

How do you connect with Pain?
brought to you by Quizilla

Myself...continue from the previous topic

2004-12-13T15:10:00.000+08:00

I must say.....am I suppose to be controlled by some unknown entity?

Isn't my life.....in my own hands?

Sometimes I wish I can see the person controling my life and give him a piece of crap that he gave me.....and to share the joy he shown as well.....

from the previous topic.......I must say...the knee part is quite true.....I suffered from knee injuries..and had to be withdrawn from training.

Rank and file lifestyle suits me well.....

haha....maybe I should sign on.....

About myself...

2004-12-13T14:57:00.000+08:00

Capricorn! About Your Sign...

Capricorn is one of the most stable and (mostly) serious of the zodiacal types. These independent, rocklike characters have many sterling qualities. They are normally confident, strong willed and calm. These hardworking, unemotional, shrewd, practical, responsible, persevering, and cautious to the extreme persons, are capable of persisting for as long as is necessary to accomplish a goal they have set for themselves. They are reliable workers in almost any profession they undertake. They are the major finishers of most projects started by the 'pioneering' signs; with firm stick-to-it-ness they quickly become the backbone of any company they work for.
Capricornians make of themselves, resourceful, determined managers; setting high standards for themselves and others. They strive always for honesty in their criticism of self, they respect discipline from above and demand it from those beneath them. In their methodical, tough, stubborn, unyielding way, they persist against personal hardship, putting their families and/or their work before their own needs and welfare to reach their objectives long after others have given up and fallen by the wayside. In fact when practical ability allied with the drive of ambition are required in employees to make a project succeed, Capricornians are the people to hire. They plan carefully to fulfill their ambitions (which often include becoming wealthy), they are economical without meanness, and able to achieve great results with minimum effort and expense. Because of their organizing ability they are able to work on several projects simultaneously.
They have a great respect for authority but may not, if they reach high rank, be willing to listen to other opinions on things they are directly responsible for. As the ranking authority figure in a given situation they expect their underlings to be as self disciplined as they themselves are, and to perform every task undertaken to the highest standard. They are, nevertheless, fair as well as demanding. Among their equals they are not always the most pleasant of work fellows for they are reserved and too conservative, valuing tradition more than innovation, however valuable the latter, and they are often humorless. There is also a tendency to pessimism, melancholy and even unhappiness which many Capricornians are unable to keep to themselves, especially if they fail personally. In the extreme this trait can make them a very depressed individual; ecstatic happiness alternating with the most wretched kind of misery which is so subconsciously buried that he or she should seek help if such emotions become frequent. For the above reason, capable Capricorn should spend many hours in meditation, gathering the strength to control such inner emotions.
The swings in mood are not the only reason some Capricornians deserve the adjective based on their name - capricious. They can be surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, reserved individuals they seem to be, and they also have a tendency to ruin things by unexpected and utterly irresponsible bouts of flippancy. In certain individuals in whom the characteristic is strong, the temptation to do this has to be resisted with iron self-control. Another unexpected quality in some Capricornians is an interest in the occult which persists in spite of their naturally skeptical turn of mind.
Their intellects are sometimes very subtle. They think profoundly and deeply, throughly exploring all possibilities before deciding on a 'safe' alternative. They have good memories and an insatiable yet methodical desire for knowledge. They are rational, logical and clearheaded, have good concentration, delight in debate in which they can show off their cleverness by luring their adversaries into traps and confounding them with logic.
In their personal relationships they are often ill-at-ease, if not downright unhappy. They are somewhat self-centered but not excessively so, wary and cautious around people they do not know very well, preferring not to meddle with others and in turn not to allow interference with themselves, thus they tend to attract people who do not understand them. Casual acquaintances they will treat with diplomacy, tact and, above all, reticence. They make few good friends but are intensely loyal to those they do make, and they can become bitter, and powerful enemies. They sometimes dislike the opposite sex and test the waters of affection gingerly before judging the temperature right for marriage. Once married, however, they are faithful, though inclined to jealousy. Most Capricornians marry for life.
Their occupations can include most professions that have to do with math or money and they are strongly attracted to music. They can be economists, financiers, bankers, speculators, contractors, managers and real estate brokers. They excel as bureaucrats, especially where projects demanding long-term planning and working are concerned, and their skill in debate and love of dialectic make them good politicians. They are excellent teachers, especially as principals of educational establishments where they have the authority to manage and organize without too much intimacy with the staff members. If working with their hands, they can become practical scientists, engineers, farmers and builders. The wit and flippancy which is characteristic of certain Capricornians may make some turn to entertainment as a career.

Possible Health Concerns...

Capricorn governs the knees, bones and skin, so its subjects may be liable to fractures and strains of the knees and other defects of the legs. Skin diseases from rashes and boils to leprosy (in countries where that disease is prevalent) are dangers, and digestive upsets may be caused by the tendency of Capricorns to worry or suppress emotions. Anemia, Bright's disease, catarrh, deafness, rheumatism and rickets are also said to threaten the natives of this sign.

Temper

2004-12-11T13:04:00.000+08:00

I felt sad....and worried....for my angel's words were almost forgotten.

I almost lost it.

Went out with some friends.....drank here and there....then they decided to meet up with others.

For once, I really felt it's not worth it to meet new people.

Maybe it's......it's just that I cannot understand how far some people will go to let others be happy.
I would like to make people happy.....at the cost of my own joy.....but to stand and smile while my girlfriend hugs and kisses some other guys?

Would you be strong enough to do it?

Someone did.

A friend. A little sister to me.
There she was smiling while her ex-boyfriend hugs and kisses another girl.....having fun.....still interacting with her......playing pool.....having a drink.

Maybe it's because......both Robert and I are from older groups.....we just feel that it's wrong...we want to help our little sister....one word from her and we'll just smash his head in.

But she didn't.....she was angry with us.....sad......and disappointed.

I felt even more disappointed.......I almost......snap....

Scary part is.....I felt......She was near again.......sad and lonely...I couldn't find her...I used to be able to...it's scary seeing an image of your long time friend.......scary....but comforting......

Couldn't find her. Or she wouldn't let me.
Time and time again I've let her down........I think she's tired of me relying on her to sooth my head.

People reading this......might think...what is this guy..typing about?

Let me tell you....for the first time ....after so many years......

I almost lost it.

Sorry to Sally....sorry to Jes......sorry...

Tree, leaf and wind.

2004-12-10T15:03:00.000+08:00

Tree

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime,I've started to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated five girls when I was in Pre-U.

There's one girl who I love a lot but didn't dare pursue her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary girl. I like her. I really do like her. Her innocence, her frankness, her cuteness, her intelligence and her fragility. The reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that if we are together, all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my girl, she will be mine ultimately and I don't have to give up everything just for her. That, made her accompany me for three years. She witness me court others, and I've made her heart weep for three years. She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but still, she smiled and say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what caused her to cry instead, I laughed at her the whole day. When everybody heads back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training for my stuff. I watched her cry for an hour or so. My forth girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laughed and joked with me like nothing happened yesterday. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart aches as much as hers.

When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school. I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her.

When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy stone weighing upon my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but couldn't. Tears rolled down and I broke down. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence?

During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It read "Leaf'sdeparture is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf

During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the three years of Pre-U, I was very close with a guy. Not BGR kind but like a buddy.
But when he had his first girlfriend, I realised a feeling I never should have felt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon.
It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for two months. When they broke up, I hid my strong sense of happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl. I like him and I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like me, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I know what are his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me, a girl, to ask him right?
Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come and love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The three years were the hardest to go through and I really wanted to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain andhurt, the dilemma stayed with me for three years. Till the end of my third year, a second year junior begins to court me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly.
From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away and better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile and didn't ask me to stay. Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay?

Wind

Because I like a girl called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I had to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was one month after I transfered to the new school. I saw a petite lady looking at my seniors and me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with girls there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes.

Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.

One day, she didn't appear. I felt something was amissed. I couldn't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes when he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note and gave it to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled and accepted the note. The next day, she appeared and pass me a note and left.

"Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away."

"It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree."
I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me and accept my presents and phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within four months, I have declared my love for her no less than twenty times. Everytime, she will divert away from the topic. But I didn't give up. If I've decided that she is to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you're not replying?"
She said, "I'm nodding my head".
"Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears.
"I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly.

I hang up the phone, got changed and took a taxi and rush to her place and pressed on her door bell.

The moment she opened the door. I hugged her tightly.

Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay?

Rain. Fish and Meat.

2004-12-08T15:47:00.000+08:00

It's been raining these few days....nice cool weather....

When I was young....say around 8 or 9.....I would always walk in the rain given the chance. I view the rain as something that cools my head....makes me calm.

But as I grew.....rain became more of a nuisance....it bothered me sometimes when I want to have fun out in the sun...slowly....I forgot the joy the rain gave me.

It became to be associated with damp....dull mood.......and being sad.

I have forgotten how the rain made me stronger... raised my resistance to illness......made me happy.

But I'm rediscovering my roots....jogging in the rain..... allowed me to have a good time thinking...

My thoughts:

Here I am..fishing...for a fish that doesn't seem to notice me...that doesn't seem to be bothered....that's enjoying itself in the water.

Here I am waiting for the fish to bite...on the bait...waiting....

along comes a piece of meat...readily cooked....suits my taste.....just enough portion for me to enjoy....

Do I let go of the fishing rod....for-go the fish...and go for the meat?

Or do I let the meat go to others.....waiting for the fish that might not even be caught?
Even if I catch the fish.....would it suit my taste?

Anyone understands this story?

Let me explain then...

Here I am waiting for this lady to return.....along the way....my friend introduced another lady friend to me....we had a great time talking...interacting...

I like the way she reacts to my jokes....stories.....and she told my friend she likes my style of conversing(if that's a word)....

It's a two way traffic now.....the age gap is not big too...one year younger than me....

Do I forgo the lady....and go for this.....or do I still wait?

Had a talk with another friend...female...one of only three I would open up to..I asked her if it's best if the other girl(local) goes for another guy.....and I wait for the other one...for my chance to explain to her my feeling and whether anything would be solid....

Then I asked her if it's best if I let both go.....let them be happy.....sacrificing myself....

No definite answer can be reached.

I guess it might come to my nature to let everyone be happy.

Enjoy the rain.

Army

2004-12-07T01:34:00.000+08:00

Today: 06122004

The date marks the day my training is over. Should I be happy?

I guess I should......I'll be discharged from army soon.....I like being in service.....it's fun....tough.....but I like it.

Many of my friends say I'm built for the army......I like to do army stuffs.....file and rank type of life is for me.

I take and give orders with ease.....I control people well....I can lead..and follow....

But sadly.......I'm an injured soldier....I cannot contribute much...anymore...

Today, we had a great big water fight.

all our instructors(we don't call them section commanders and such.....cause we're all senior in ranks and status than them....haha) were given a bath...in the puddle of rain water.

Even the sky is helping us by filling the puddle with water.

Then.....it's a sad farewell bid by our platoon commander....CSM.....OC.....and sergeants....

sad.....cause it's been a while that we've lived together on the little island..

anyway.....I'll think of a better topic tomorrow or so.

Signed: 3sgt Chua

The beach.

2004-12-05T15:27:00.000+08:00

Waves.
Splashing sound of sea water.
The slow eroding of rocks into sand.
The water cycle.
The life cycle for the sea creatures.

With all that going on it's a wonder.....why visiting the beach calms my mind.

Maybe it's the way the whole thing revovles around each other....a neverending cycle of destruction and creation.

I just cannot explain the effects the sea has on me. I do not like to swim in it.....I just like to laze around the beach....on the break waters.....looking at the ships far away....seeing people having fun on the sand...playing.....fishing...

Couples sitting sharing loving moments with each other. Familis having quality time with each other.

But I'm there alone. Well....in person only...

Someone was with me.

I like to be alone most of the time...no one to comply with...be confused with....get confused by....seems like it has cause me to be a loner.....cause me to cut off from others.....back to the old me....

but I'm changing that...but I still prefer to go out alone.....more freedom~

Ha...The course I'm going through now is going to end on monday.

And that'll be it for army days for me~

March 28th

2004-11-28T10:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday.
Last night.

My past.

Why do I feel so weak and angry when I look back. I used to be happy......until something changed my life.

March 28th

This is a very important date to me. Or at least I want it to be. Someone I used to trust...care...and allow to be cared by....and be trusted was taken away.

Taken seems a very 'heavy' word to use. But it fits well. There was nothing I could have done.

Age 12:

That was 10 years ago. I can still remember the feeling of moving to a new school.

Lost. Fear. And of course.....the sense of dread.

But hold on.....who's this? A girl?
She appeared behind me......while I was just sitting of the curb watching cars go by.

She said "Hi" and that was the start of a friendship.

I had a very bad temper....attitude...and I don't talk much.

She taught me to care....show concern......and open up to people....took quite a while....but we were good friends.......best friends......you might say lovers too...

"Go to the beach when you're down.....or when some things just don't go the way you want it to...or when you're just losing grip on your temper. The waves will calm you"

She said something like that. Her way with words amazed me......she was like a musician playing the most beautiful score and I was the only one listening.

An angel.

I couldn't really remember how foolish I was when I decided to open up.....my heart....to the girl I liked: her.

"Sorry, we can only be friends....maybe the best of friends....but nothing more"

Those words ring in my head....I say that I have bad memory.....but bad memory isn't the real case.....I choose not to remember...

"Remember the person......forget the event"

I....died that day....

I decided to remove myself from her world...and go back to my cold....dark....world.

Soon after......I was transfered away from the school.

She was gone.

Age: 20

I was in the deepest hole I could be in.....serving NS....getting tortured..but it only served to fuel my anger..

Anger is my power.....I had almost forgotten how to care....and love.

She appeared. In my head.

I just felt that I had to look for her......I did.....

Standing in the rain....my uniform soaking wet.......

"Here lies our beautiful daughter. May her soul be blessed. She was only 16"

Death of an angel....on march 28th....

She had an illness...and she lost the battle....but in her time.....she did a wonder...
She changed my life.

I am grateful always.
I do not want to forget the ways she had taught me.
This debt cannot be repaid unless it's in blood.

I cried that day. First time. And last.

I was reborn...

Age : 22

2 years passed on...I'm still trying to change...but it's hard when there is no one guiding me anymore.

Sometimes....the anger comes back.....sometimes....I just snap....

Whenever I do.....I feel a warm presense....a familiar scent.....
there she is again....she looks even more beautiful....but she's sad...crying sometimes...

I realised...I've hurt her again.

I...don't want her to be sad....or to cry for any reasons....but sometimes....it's just so hard......the internal struggle.....it affects people around me....it affects her.

I don't see her much now.....is it because I've done my part?

Or is it because........

I want to see her....but when I do....pain strikes...and stabs me....

I guess I have to live without seeing her often...

My angel.

"Love is not everything to this world...but that's what the world needs"

Tears count: nil for eyes....thousands for my heart.

To lovers out there....enjoy....while it lasts...at least she's/he's there for you.

I can never love....as much as I did that day.

Families

2004-11-15T15:18:00.000+08:00

A nice little sunrise that I can enjoy everyday. Taken from my bunk on a little island where I'm doing my training on.....

Back to the topic for today.

Families.

What makes a family, a family?

The initial blood bond? Or the relationship afterwards?

How close are you to your family?
Personally, I don't feel close with my family. They do not know what I want. I do not know what they want.
Maybe it's my cold nature.....I do not like to get too close to another human being....for they can, one day, betray me. Use my secrets to get back at me. My fear...my undoing.....my curse......

I take a look at some of my friends' family and notice that for everything that I don't like with my family....there's something they themselves don't like about theirs. Humans will always compare......and will want what is not theirs.....

Like my mother or father calling me when I'm out way late...I do not like it but it's their way of caring for me. My friends don't have anyone calling them and they say it's a good thing my parents do that.

Some parents show their feelings by physical means....some by small emotional ways....

Mine does so by using money...and food...
When I go home after training or something....there's always food on the table....when I'm in need of cash....it's readily available.

I do wish sometimes my family can be like others.....the love and affection can be seen by others....going out for family dinners......having a nice chat.....

But wishes are just wishes......be happy with what was provided when you first step foot into this world.....you family is your instant friends......they had no choice....neither do you....

Live with it and make most of it......parents die one day....brothers will marry and move out....sisters will be married off to others......even I myself will leave one day.

My family......my home.......my country......all was provided when I was born.

Others are not so lucky.

So to those that are complaining......stop it......you have a lot more to look forward to......after all, you're gonna be someone else's parents some day......why not let your child have the things you couldn't have?

Break the cycle.

Death of a memory

2004-11-11T18:06:00.000+08:00

Since the day I can remember events, I have started to forget them.

The death of a memory.

Where do they go?
What do the memories do when they get forgotten by the person that once held them dear?

Do the memories feel betrayed?
Lonely?
Lost?

Or misused?

Memory serves us; to make us aware; to help us learn; to build our own character.

But what do we do for memories?

We forget them. Try not to remember them. Cause their death by deleting them from our minds.

We abuse them.

We need to justify our actions.

SAVE THE MEMORIES!!!

Today's topic: pink

2004-10-12T13:36:00.000+08:00

The colour pink. It reminds me of females, girls, girly stuffs, calm, soothing and all things nice. But when guys wear pink be it shirts or some cloth they call clothes, they either carry the image off well or they crash and burn till there's nothing left for the dogs to munch on.

Many a time I've seen one guy wearing pink shirts and it's like 'erm....ok....that's nice..looks cool.'

But when there's a bunch of guys..wearing pink..it's like 'whoa~!'

and to make it worse.....they're wearing the same god damn design and think they're cool.

They should look in the mirror and see if they can carry off that image before they go out into the streets and make a fool of themselves...

Peace out~!

First post~!!!!!

2004-08-31T13:32:00.000+08:00

Yay~!!!

oh wait....I own this..
chey~

anyway~ welcome to my little online diary...dairy...darling....whatever the spelling....